Happy New Year, everyone!
Welcome to 2019, a year that I will hopefully learn to just “go with the flow” and accept what is. I have always considered myself a free spirit, but honestly, sometimes I’m such a worry wart. I catch myself in this spiral of horrid thinking about how I’m a such a failure and I’m not where I thought I would be by almost 30. 2019 will be a year of acceptance so that I won’t drown myself with these thoughts anymore.
If you are someone I know personally, you know that I have recently gotten over an illness that left me unemployed. If you don’t know me, to sum it up, 2018 was one of those years that was all about setbacks and the lessons that come with them. It wasn’t my favorite year, but at the same time, I’m lucky that I have such an awesome support system to help me through these hard times.
I am still unemployed and searching every day, and I think that my dream job is out there trying to find me too.
Maybe that’s the overly optimistic side of me, but I want to believe that something good is going to come out of this. I know that the universe works in a mysterious way, and when one door closes, another one opens. I get that. What I don’t understand is why it feels like the world is ending when these unfortunate things happen.
I have a lot of “resolutions” for 2019, and a few times now, I have started and restarted a blog all about my New Year’s promises to myself.
The thing is, I’ve had the same resolutions for years now. Lose weight, make more money, own a reliable vehicle… Every year, for the last three New Years. This year I wanted to do it a little differently.
In all seriousness, I crawled into this year battered and bruised. I have been extremely down. I can always tell when I get into these moods because my social media activity dramatically decreases. No one wants to post about how shitty they feel, right?
As I was coming into this year, I only had one goal in mind. I want to feel free again.
I want to feel free of stress and the burdens that come with life. I want to learn to accept the present moment and live every day with gratitude. It is something I’ve been working on for so long, but have always strayed off course with the spiraling depressing thoughts and crippling anxiety.
When I was drinking and using drugs, I didn’t care about anything. Even though when I came down to reality and crashed into a suicidal depression, most of the time I was happy and carefree. I didn’t care about all of the things that make us slaves to society. I had irresponsible dreams, and no responsibility. Even though I hated living in my mother’s basement, there was always the safety net of always knowing I have a place to sleep. (Plus the benefit of not paying rent. Thanks, mom.)
Not knowing if rent is going to be able to be paid next month does something horrible to a person’s psyche.
The homeless population is rising, and the rent prices aren’t going down. It seems like you only have two options when you’re stuck in the lower middle class. The first option is to get a full-time soul-sucking job, pay way too much for a box you never spend time in, and do this every day on repeat until you die. (Retirement is a thing of the past.) The second option is to max out all of your credit cards, buy a van, drive down to the desert and busk on the streets for tax free cash. Guitar isn’t too hard to learn, right?
Okay, I might be acting a little dramatic, but can you blame a girl?
Being a single, independent woman isn’t easy; Especially without a degree, and without a specialized area of focus. I have always been a wanderer. That’s my main problem, I think; I can’t stay passionate about something for too long before the next shiny object comes
I have always said I am a Jack of all trades, but master of none.
When I was a kid, I was lucky in the sense that my parents let me try anything I wanted. Violin lessons, piano lessons, band and choir concerts, volleyball, soccer, cheerleading, acting, hip-hop classes
I think it’s time to start thinking that maybe that’s just who I am. Maybe I will always work at a job for a year before I’m over it and onto something new. Maybe I will always want to move to different places and not settle down to a specific location. And maybe I will never be passionate enough about something to build a lifelong career around it.
I don’t know, but 2019 is the year that I learn to accept that theory as an option.
I don’t want to worry about it
I feel like by now that I’m rambling on, but the point of this is that 2019 is the year of acceptance. I am going to accept that the universe is giving me what I need. It may not always be what I want, but it is what I need. Whether it’s a blessing or a lesson, it is what it is. I can’t spend anymore of my time crying and hating the gift I receive every day I open my eyes.
Depression can pull you under and hold you there; Drowning you in self-pity.
While it has been hard to get myself out, deep down I know there’s something better coming. I know these hard times are here to educate me and help me become the person I’m meant to be. I do a pretty good job at acting like everything is okay, and still get told I’m bubbly and “have a carefree attitude” by people who just meet me. All I want is that to reflect on the inside. True happiness shouldn’t have to be an act.
If you are here right now, thank you. I love you and I appreciate you very much. I hope your 2019 resolutions are met and that you accomplish everything you want to. Anything and everything is possible if you believe it is.
Xoxo
P.S. Today (1/8/19) marks three years without drinking. Not a drop. Sobriety is not at all what I thought it would be. It’s much harder. Still, even three years later. If you’re struggling with sobriety right now, know you’re not alone. I know how hard it is and how easy it is to spiral with your thoughts and want to restart your sobriety clock. I’m with ya. If you’re looking for someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me. Contact@mybasicjourney.com
