Trigger Warning: Drug Use.

Would you believe me if I told you that the only thing holding you back from living the life of your dreams, was your mind?

I’ve spent the majority of my life, starting at a very young age, feeling as if I didn’t belong. It was always hard for me to “fit in” at school and I’ve always felt like I was “different” from everyone else. I was also the fat kid my entire life, and that left me to a lot of isolation as well as being an only child. People who have never been “big” will not understand the feeling of being either the invisible person or the target of bullying. I learned to entertain myself and be okay with being alone.

Around the age of 12, my parents and I moved to a new town. Shortly after moving there I started to become the person I would be for the next decade. I started sneaking cigarette butts from the ashtrays at home, and that turned into taking a full one out of the pack, to just taking a full pack out of the carton. Somehow becoming a smoker led me to have friends who also smoked.

One thing led to another, and by 13, I was smoking weed and drinking alcohol.

I don’t know why or how this led me to have a large group of friends, but it did. At first, I was so happy. I finally had friends, and I wasn’t hated at school. I was given high fives in the hallways, and people actually called ME to hang out. My first boyfriend happened this year. It was a life I wasn’t used to but I got comfortable living it very quickly.

By 14, I was using cocaine, and hanging out with people who were already out of high school, or dropped out. Everything was still a secret from my parents still at this point. At least, I think so. They probably knew I was drinking and maybe smoking weed, but I don’t think they knew I was doing lines with people who were twice my age.

Fifteen was my favorite year during my years of being a user. I had a ton of friends, I was out every day, I had no responsibilities, and I was drinking literally every single day. I would sneak alcohol into school, and do bumps between classes if I had some leftover from the night before. This is the year I started skipping class to go hang out with friends.

I turned 16 right before summer vacation happened and I was lucky enough my parents bought me my first car.

That summer changed my life forever.

For many years after this summer, remembering how much fun I had those first few years as a teenager, and the happiness I felt during this time, kept me depressed and unable to move forward.

My best friend at the time was sent off to a summer wilderness program, which now in my life would actually love to go to. Her mom was worried about the path she was on and I don’t blame her. My friend and I would drink every day and we were reckless and sloppy. I was also doing coke, and taking pills, and her mom could probably see right through the mess I was.

She wasn’t gone for very long, but the short few weeks were all I needed to completely change everything. I had a messy love life (as most 16-year-olds do) that led me to chug multiple glasses full of whiskey one night. I will never forget this night, even though my memory of it is mostly hear-say. What I do have are small glimpses and flashes of memory, but after a certain point, I don’t remember any of it.

I’m going to save the whole story for another day, but I ended up in jail that night with my car in a ditch.

Luckily no one was hurt and I was actually by myself, with no other cars around when I went into a ditch on an empty country road. I would have stayed there if it wasn’t for a random car that passed by and called the cops. I went to jail that night, and I honestly don’t remember any of it. None. I was completely blacked out by this point, but the police report is embarrassing, to say the least.

The night of my DUI was in August, not even a full three months after my 16th birthday.

Going into junior year, things were different and so was I. That night changed me forever, and not in a good way. I was an outcast again and I started hanging out with a different crowd. This was a crowd that was into far worse things than drinking after school and occasionally doing coke. I barely graduated because I was skipping school so often. During this time, I was doing any drug I could get my hands on at this point, but my favorites were coke and Xanax.

I spent the next decade hating myself, and repeating mistakes and learning extremely hard lessons that come with being a drug addiction and the scene that comes with it. I’m not proud of the years to follow and how low I allowed myself to get so low. There are so many things that have happened that should have been enough to get me out of it; Guns, gangs, rape, people dying from suicide and overdoses. I didn’t care though, I only cared about how I was going to numb myself enough to not feel the things I felt. Also, the feeling of coming down sucks, and addiction is what fueled most of the things I’ve done.

I was an outcast again. Only this time, I was an outcast with a drug problem.

Around this time I started my first blog. It was a way for me to let out my emotions as an anonymous writer. I would write about my life and my experiences as a druggie. Even if blogging didn’t bring me tons of friends, it was a way to release everything I was feeling inside. I feel like there are many people who write or blog for this reason.

I’ve started and forgotten about many blogs over the years, and I’ve used so many different platforms. They were all the same though, just me letting out my frustrations with life. The only motive was to tell my story and release those feelings. I wasn’t adding value to anyone’s life if they were to read it.

Now, after getting sober, taking control of my life, and many years of focusing on self-development and self-discovery, I have other motives.

Not only does blogging help me in releasing pent-up emotions, but it allows me to help others. So many other people are going through things that I’ve gone through; things that brought me to my knees. Things I was going through alone and wished that there was someone out there that would understand.

Deciding to drop the chains that are holding you down and discovering yourself and your true meaning can completely alienate you. I’m not saying this to scare you, but it isn’t something a lot of people wish to do. They might say they do, but not a lot of people take the plunge.

It’s a lot easier to stay in the comforts your ego has built, but the price is a life of unfulfillment and eventually death.

That’s what my blog is for now. Not only do I get to have a release of emotion and help myself by writing, but I also get the chance to help others who might be going through the same thing. I want to show people there is light at the end of that long and lonely tunnel you’re traveling through right now. The people who are suffering just want to be heard, and I can hear you. I understand what you are going through and I understand that sometimes it can feel like there’s no way out of a current situation.

This is because I felt the same way. At 26 I was an alcoholic, drug addict living in my mom’s basement. Inside, I felt like there wasn’t a reason to try. I didn’t feel like I was worth happiness and any dreams I had seemed completely unattainable. Bad things were constantly happening, and I contemplated life on a daily basis, but enough booze could drown that out.

There was a feeling that I was too familiar with, that felt like it was never going to leave; The feeling of being stuck. I was stuck in the area I grew up in that made me feel unwanted, unworthy and unlovable. Also, I was stuck being the person I was because I didn’t think there was a way out.

Anybody else ever feel like this?

The truth is, we are never truly stuck. We can always change our situation, and if we can’t, we can change our perception. Our minds and our ego allow us to feel stuck for so long because it is comfortable where it’s at. It is already familiar with the current situation. It is going to take feelings of discomfort and courage to step out of a life we’ve known and this can be scary for a lot of people. We become comfortable in our situations, even if they are wrong for us.

We hear stories about this all the time: The girl who hasn’t left the man who beats her, or the addict who is in and out of rehab time and time again, or the person who complains about their job every day for years until they retire or die. These people WANT to change their life. They WANT to get out of the situation that is killing them, but they just don’t know how.

I’m not here to tell you there’s an easy answer or an easy way out because there isn’t one. It is going to be hard, and it is going to take a boatload of courage and feelings of discomfort to get to where you want to go. Don’t let this discourage you though, because it is the only way for growth.

“Be willing to be uncomfortable. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it’s a small price to pay for living a dream.” – Peter McWilliams

When I first heard this quote I was in cosmetology school and I didn’t understand the meaning as much as I do now. Now, I think of this quote on a regular basis and it is a huge foundation of how I live my life. Things that are going to change your life are going to be out of your comfort zone, and unless we bare that discomfort, we will never change our current situation.

It’s much easier to fall back into old habits than to create new ones.

The main difference is that falling back means you don’t grow and you go back to where you started. Choosing to go forward and step out of that “comfortable” life that you are unhappy with, is what is going to spring you forward. Before you know it, the change that initially felt uncomfortable and unachievable is now your new comfort zone.

There will always be ways to grow and ways to better ourselves, but they all require us to step out of the box we’ve kept ourselves in. We all have the courage inside of us, and the only thing holding us back is fear. Don’t let fear take control.

You have the ability to be everything you wish to be. In fact, you already are the person you wish to be. Just let go of fear, surrender to the universe, and allow yourself to just be. Remember, the first step to any change is to believe there is a chance for it to happen.

Taking that leap of faith is a lot easier said than done, I know.

If you ever want to talk, please reach out to me via the Contact Page. On the right sidebar of this page there’s a subscribe box; Enter your e-mail to get blog updates. If you want a tarot reading to help you find guidance and direction, please read the Tarot section on the services page and reach out to me. I would love to help in any way I can.

I love you so much for being here and I’m extremely grateful for your existence. You are so worthy of all of the dreams you have, and they are on their way to you! If this is hard to believe then just know you have a purpose greater than you’re able to see yet, and this is because the universe wants you to save yourself first.

You got this, just get comfortable with being uncomfortable and know there is always a way out. If I was able to get out of a life that was about to kill me, so can you. I highly recommend reading the book “You Are A Badass” By Jen Sincero. https://amzn.to/2NgsOBM This book is great for anyone who feels stuck in life, in any situation.

xoxo

P.S. I love reading self-development books, so if you have any recommendations for books, leave them below in a comment. <3

P.S.S. The pictures featured in this blog were taken 8 years ago in Chicago when I was still living life as an alcoholic. I was in a photography class at the time and loved taking the bus up to the city and shooting photos of the skyline and architecture.  Recently, I found them after I figured out my old Deviant Art password. I thought they would be a great little addition to a blog that turned into something completely different than planned. It turned into an emotional release of the past. My past with drug addiction does not define me, and underneath the blanket of addiction, was the person I still am. Someone with a love for photography, and art, and expression. These photos took me back to that place.

I had all of my photos from my past (EVERY SINGLE ONE) on a single hard drive that crashed. I lost everything. Every picture I’ve ever taken since digital cameras came out were gone, and at the time I was emotionally distraught. In retrospect that was probably the universe telling me I needed to let go.

So much has changed and yet I’m still me. I don’t even want to say a “better” version of me, because the person I am has always been inside of me. Just like the person you want to be is already inside of you. You got this.