Do you know what your purpose is?

For the majority of my life, until very recently, I have struggled with what people would call “finding their purpose.” Some people know as soon as they’re born that they’re going to be a basketball player, a doctor, a musician, or whatever it may be. Some of us, well, it can feel like we will never figure it out.

I have tried a lot of different things; Nursing, Art, Writing, Psychology, Graphic Design, Photography, Cosmetology. I’ve went to and dropped out of school 4 times before going back to hair school just so I could say I completed something. Fast forward to three years later, and my now out-of-state cosmetology license is expired, and I’d have to go back to school to get it renewed. It’s not like I was going to use it anyways, but it would be nice to have something to show for all of my remaining student debt.

I have tried countless different hobbies, and fully plunged into all of them. I can give myself that, I always start off giving more than 100%. Somewhere down the line, though, I get bored and lose interest. Either that, or I’ve already found something new to pass my time. Choosing a major was torture.

Needless to say, I’ve always  sort of felt like I didn’t have a purpose.

Mix that with excessive alcohol use and no self-esteem; I was drowning in depression. This was making me question my existence, and whether it was worth continuing on.

I didn’t feel like I was worth it. At this point in my life, I didn’t like my past, where I was at then, or what I saw as my future. I was at an ultimate low, and I didn’t really feel like there was any reason to go on.

I hated the world we lived in. It’s dark, and corrupt, and the masses are blind. We get trapped into this society that tells us to hate ourselves, and that we have to spend a shit ton of money, on things we don’t need, in order to make ourselves happy. What they don’t tell us, is the list of things to buy before  reaching “happiness,”  that list never ends.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

They plant this dream in our head, that is a cookie cutter life, and shun you if you try to veer off course. What if I don’t want the kids, and the house, and the cars, and the 40 year 9-5? I was having a lot of internal stress over this. What was wrong with me?
Why didn’t I want what everyone else wanted?

Why wasn’t I happy with the idea of an average life? So unhappy to the point of suicidal thoughts.

This thought process went on for years and I would numb it down with rum and some beans. I would continue to search for the next thing that was supposed to be my purpose. One day, after years of thinking that I was just doomed to be stuck forever, I woke up and had one little thought; I didn’t have to live that life if that wasn’t what I wanted.

I decided that I could have the life of my dreams.

Like most of us, I had NO IDEA how I was going to do that. I only knew that if I didn’t change something at that moment, I never would, or I wasn’t going to live much longer.

This is the point people usually get to, but discover the necessary changes they would be necessary for success, get overwhelmed, and turn back. Sometimes, even if life is unhappy, it is comfortable; It is comfortable because it is familiar. Though, something I learned from cosmetology school, in the Nuts and Bolts business classes, is that we need to get comfortable being uncomfortable in order to be successful. As I was thinking of what I needed to do in order to change my life, I kept this in mind.

I knew I was going to have to give up a lot in order to get my life together, including the drugs and the alcohol. I was going to have to give up a lot of friends, who lived the lifestyle I so desperately wanted out of. Also, I was going to have to leave the place I grew up in. The place that molded me into the person I am. They taught me love, and friendship, as well as loss, pain and failure.

I was going to have to leave behind my old self.

The one who didn’t want to live anymore. The one who didn’t love herself. That person wasn’t going to succeed. She wasn’t going to succeed because she didn’t think she was going to succeed. (This was long before I discovered the Law of Attraction.)

Something in me switched around this time. I knew then that I had to get out of there. It became my only goal. I picked the first place that came to mind, which was Portland, Oregon. After all, I had wanted to move there for over 5 years. I didn’t know what I was going to do once I got there, just that I was going to go there.

When I got here, I was so full of wonder. I had never been fully on my own before. The first time I moved out I lived in a dorm, and the second time I was homeless in my home area until a friend of mine said she was in a similar situation and we ended up squatting in her boyfriends mom’s house that she was evicted from. Right in the ghetto, surrounded by thugs, guns and drugs.

This time was different. I was here, on my own (with my dog, Joey), and I didn’t have anyone here to tell me what life I could or could not live. I was sober, and feeling really good. From many months of hard work, I had a small chunk of change that I thought was more than it was. Most importantly, I had a blank slate to start creating the life of my dreams.

I made it. I actually made it.

Something I thought I would never be able to do had manifested itself into my life, and all I had to do was believe.

Since moving across the country (it was two years June 26th), I have felt more than I ever have, and I’m finally getting to know the person I was under all of the rum-filled masks. It hasn’t all been rainbows and unicorns. In fact, it has been extremely challenging. I’ve moved five times, my car died, I’ve gained a lot of debt, I’ve had to find a new job twice, I’ve lost people close to me yet they were so far since I moved, and I’ve felt depressed and lonely with the worst anxiety I’ve ever experienced.

Somehow, even though so much has happened that most people would have moved back home for, I know that everything is going to work out; I know that there is triumph after a battle. Since I know this, I refuse to give up and I refuse to go back to a place where I felt worthless. With unwavering belief, I know that the universe is working in my favor and that I’m about to manifest the life of my dreams.

The thing is, I didn’t have to find my purpose to believe this. I just had to find my “why”.Why do I wake up every morning? What is it that makes me excited enough to wake up and keep going?

It only takes the smallest amount of belief that there’s hope for your dreams to become a reality. That’s it.

My biggest why is this; I believe that I can use my past of darkness to put light in someone else’s world who might be going through the dark alone. From personal experience, I know what it’s like to feel as if you’re completely isolated, worthless, unwanted, disposable, ugly, or anything else I used to tell myself.

I also know what it’s like to come out on the other side; To feel abundant in love, confidence and self-worth. I want to help others feel this too.

I actually have a quick video on YouTube (5 free and easy things you can do to be happier) that are the basic necessities to being happy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoIu__pUd88&t=168s

My why has turned into something so big, when it started so small. This is a mini recap progressions of my “why’s.” The first why ever, that helped me turn my life around; I wake up every morning to add a day to my sobriety. It changed often as my goals were accomplished.

I wake up every morning:

• to work so I can make money to move.
• to work on minimizing, so everything I own will fit in my car.
• to plan my trip across the country.
• to find a place to live and a new job.
• to go to work to support my new life I’ve created.
• to get motivated and create.
• (and what my “why” is now) to work on a business venture that allows me to live the life I dream of.

Every time you reach a goal, your why will change.

I think this is so much easier than having to focus on the big picture, and find your “purpose.” Sometimes, it is much softer on the soul to take it one why at a time. Celebrate mini victories and take life day by day.

Focusing too much on finding a purpose was exhausting, mentally and emotionally. Finding a why was simple. It could be as big or small as you want it to be. Remember, it only takes a small amount of belief that there’s hope for your dreams to become a reality.

If you would like someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out via the contact page.

http://mybasicjourney.com/contact/

Also, if you would like to get a tarot reading done to help you have some insight, please contact me after reading the Tarot section on the services page.

http://mybasicjourney.com/services/

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I love you all.

xoxo