As of yesterday (1/8/19), I am officially three years sober. Now, anyone in the 12-step program might argue with me about the term “sober” since I still actively use cannabis. I live in a legal state and consider the use to be medicinal, but everyone will have their own opinion. Whatever your stance is on smoking weed, by sober I mean free from alcohol. I haven’t had a drink in three years.
This is something that I would consider an accomplishment. People who know me and care about me tell me they’re proud of me so it must be an accomplishment of some sort. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything, though. That’s probably because I still struggle with it on a regular, if not daily, basis.
I don’t know why I think that drinking is going to make me feel better when I can easily remember how much it controlled my life. I didn’t go more than two days without drinking, and I couldn’t just have “one or two.” I would drink until I blacked out, or when the sun started coming up and I realized what a mess I am as a human.
The road I’m on is a slippery slope. Going this long without a relapse is kind of alarming, right?
I was a daily drinker for over 10 years. I didn’t go over a week or two (at most) without drinking.. Given the last couple years I’ve had, it’s almost a damn miracle I haven’t blacked out at least once.
Even though it has been three years, sobriety hasn’t gotten any easier. I keep thinking it will get easier, and all I have to do is push through it, but I feel the pull to drink more now than I have since I’ve gotten sober. This probably has to do with the fuckery that I call life currently, but that feeling is there, and that feeling is strong. Since I started drinking at such a young age, alcohol was the only way I knew how to cope with anything in life.
I currently feel like my life has no direction at all. Like I’ve been put in a hamster cage and all I’ve been doing is running on that endless wheel of failed attempts to escape.
I have all of the grandiose dreams and a very large part of me believes I can accomplish them, but lately I’ve felt burnt out. It is like I have been trying and trying and giving it everything I got, but I’m further now from my dreams than I was 2-3 years ago. It’s like sobriety almost sucked that part of me out, but I’m holding onto my free spirit with everything I have. This has resulted me sinking into a deep depression and filling myself with doubt, fear and insecurities.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Alcohol was such a defining trait for me. Anyone who knew me knew I liked to drink and have a good time. Everywhere I went I found a reason to have a drink. I was known as a “party girl” and I was regularly having parties at my house. I was in my garage drinking and smoking too many cigarettes until 7 or 8 in the morning with the lucky few who could keep up with me.
Now that I don’t have that to fall back on, I don’t know who I am anymore. The excessive drinking was such a large foundation of my character; Which is depressing in itself.
I’ve tried so hard to “redefine” myself.
Veganism is a huge part of my life. I was woken up to the reality of the dairy industry (and the meat industry but I was already
I have also been slowly developing my own business. It started in Oct. 2017 when I joined DoTERRA. I knew I wanted to have my own business, but I wasn’t sure of what I wanted. I wanted it to focus on natural living and personal development. Then when I was using my bergamot oil one day, the thought came across my mind to join DoTERRA. I did a ton of research and contacted people locally to join an active team. I put everything into it, and worked really fucking hard, only to realize that was NOT what I wanted to do.
Fast forward to August 2018, MyBasicJourney was born.
I started this website as ground zero for my business. I love writing, and if I can find a way to incorporate creative writing into my career, I would be happy. This blog is almost like a journal in a way, and is therapeutic for me. Also, I like to think that showing others your experiences and what you’ve learned along the way helps them as well.
Even though I’ve made all of these changes, and have these dreams, I still feel lost in a sense.
Maybe it’s the lack of community? I went from having a large group of friends and people around every day, to being completely alone. Maybe it’s the lack of career? I have had a job since I was 16 and this is the longest I’ve gone without one. Maybe it’s the fact that I got sick? I was bed ridden for nearly two months. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a way to explore? My original car died three months after I moved here. I rode the bus for 8 months. When I was desperate, I took out a personal loan that I only qualified for $2000 and bought a piece of shit car that wouldn’t make it across town without smoking. I drove it into the ground and finally died last week.
Needless to say, I have been down lately, and I’m not really sure where to go from here. I’m just steadily pushing to find a job, and trying not to say “fuck it” and run over to Dari mart for a 40oz. The good news about my current situation is that my therapist said I was extremely strong, and that most people would have given up and headed back to mom’s basement by now.
Giving up doesn’t feel like an option.
If I give up and go back to that place, I know my sobriety wouldn’t make it. I literally had to move thousands of miles away to make it work. I will continue to give it everything I have to try and make it work.
This isn’t the end of the road for me. This isn’t the point when everything falls apart and I put my tail between my legs claiming defeat. I will fight this fight until I’m blue in the face.
Three years ago I decided that I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for change to happen. I became the change then and I can do it again. It might take a long, slow and jagged fall to the bottom to propel me to the top, but I refuse to give up.
Yes, life has been hard. For a lot of us!! But that doesn’t have to define us.
We can redefine ourselves as often as we want because we are constantly growing and learning, and
I know deep down that I could never return to the lifestyle I used to have; Even though it would be easy, and comfortable. However, I’ve outgrown my old skin and I’m growing into my new skin now. It’s just a bit of growing pains, they say.
If you are struggling with addiction or sobriety, or mental illness, please reach out to me. I’d love to talk and support each other. I am in no means a licensed professional, but I do know what you’re going through and could be a great ear to listen.
Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate you and your existence.
xoxo
