Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons. It is almost never easy, and it is usually never how we think something is going to happen. I wanted to talk about a couple of my recent unexpected life lessons.

I have always been a planner; Making lists for everything, and researching something down to the most insignificant details to be the most prepared for whatever the situation may be. I get it from my mom. This trait is a blessing and a curse. Those of you who carry this trait will understand what I’m talking about.

I would get so caught up in planning for these grandeur dreams I have, and would create these unrealistic expectations of how smoothly my plan was going to go. This lead to utter disappointment when things kept going “wrong.”

Some of you may know that I lost my job a few weeks ago.

Luckily I was able to find a filler job quickly within a week, waitressing at a diner. This job isn’t my dream job by any means, but the people are wonderful, and it pays my bills. I consider it a filler job because it is just filling the space between the next job I get that I truly love.

Years ago, If I had suddenly lost my job (this is the first time leaving a job NOT by choice), I probably would have said it was the end of the world, gone on a drinking binge for a week or two before even starting to look for a new job. Now, I have a lot more responsibility and a four legged best friend I have to care for. I don’t have time to “freak out.”

Recently, my new “freaking out” has been shutting out the world around me as I try to build myself back up. I’d like to think that my new form of “coping” is healthier than a week long drinking binge, but we all have our things, right?

On top of losing my job, I have had some serious unexpected medical issues come up.

I had a gallbladder attack during work four days ago, and it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. At first it felt like heartburn, which was understandable because I ate a large meal from a local vegan restaurant that was extremely greasy. I have been a binge eater for such a long time, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it. By the time I left for work, I was uncomfortably full. I probably could have thrown up if I bent over fast enough. In these moments, I feel complete guilt and shame.

About 45 minutes into my shift the “heartburn” is getting worse and worse. I have never felt this way before. I have had heartburn before, but not for a very long time and was usually the result of drinking the night before. Once I quit drinking and went vegan, I didn’t get heartburn anymore. My cholesterol levels went from 225 to 140 just by switching from a high carb, high fat vegetarian diet (lots of mozzarella sticks at bars washed down with 10 beers or so.) to a standard vegan diet.

I’ve lost just over 50 pounds and have maintained this weight loss for about a year.

The weight loss became stagnant however, and I am fully aware of how and why this happened. Over the last two and a half years of veganism, I know which items on the shelves are vegan or not, and despite the reputation of vegans eating grass, a lot of things can be unhealthy. Potato chips, oreos, sour patch kids, fries (not McDonald’s fries, though), veggie burritos, all of these things are vegan and completely unhealthy.

I also live in an area that has a thriving vegan population so the options are plentiful. There are tons of vegan restaurants and non-vegan restaurants that at least have vegan options.

My issue with this is that I feel like I don’t have control a lot of times. The “meal” I ordered the day of my attack was enough for at least three people. In my mind I wanted to “celebrate” finding a job so quickly. (Food addiction is real.) Unfortunately, this celebration had a horrible outcome, and I honestly thought I was having a heart attack.

So after my “heartburn” became excruciating, I started sweating profusely and I felt nauseous and feverish. I thought I was going to faint as I was taking an order and the customer must have noticed because she asked me if I’d like to sit down. Reluctantly, I told her I was fine and completed their order.

I go to my coworker and I could see in her eyes I didn’t look good.

She grabbed me a chair and some water and put a cold towel around my neck. Customers started coming around me asking if everything was okay. The whole thing was absolutely embarrassing.

I was lucky to be surrounded by people who wanted to help. Two of the ladies who were there were so helpful and caring; I wish I would have gotten their names. I think they’re regulars at my diner, so I hope to see them again so I can thank them again for all of their help. One was a retired nurse and thought I was having a bad case of heartburn/indigestion with a panic attack and gave me heartburn medication. The other brought me outside because she said I was overheating and gave me papaya extract pills that said would help with the panic.

I’m sitting outside for 20 minutes or so, and the retired nurse came back out asking how I was feeling. The pain wasn’t as intense, but it was painful enough that I was still holding my hands over the center of my chest.

After about 15 more minutes of pain and heavy breathing while trying to wave off a drunk patron of my establishment (yep, my diner has a fully stocked bar and lottery machines), I was able to stand up and walk back inside of the building. My coworker suggested it was best that I go home. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that this happened, and during the second week I was working there.

As I was leaving, the lady with papaya pills told me I should go talk to the retired nurse because she now thinks it is my gallbladder. She said that if it was heartburn, it wouldn’t have lasted this long because of the heartburn medication she gave me. At this point I was just ready to go home and lay down so I told her thank you and that I was going to go home and rest. She said, if it is your gallbladder, it could be very serious and I should seek medical attention.

Because I don’t have insurance, I am holding off on going to the hospital and trying to use natural remedies.

I went home from work and researched everything about gallbladders. After the research I did, I’m positive the nurse was right and something is very wrong with my gallbladder. The pain that was in my chest, just under my right breast to the center, lasted all night. It would come in waves of the worst pain I’ve ever felt, and simmer down to the feeling of your standard heartburn.

The pain was intense, and I couldn’t find a way to get comfortable. I was tossing and turning and and no matter what position I was in, it was painful.

I was nauseous all night and ended up getting very sick. This is the first time I’ve thrown up like this since a night of heavy drinking years ago. This was around 10 p.m. that I got sick. After that, I actually was able to fall asleep. I don’t know if it was from the exhaustion or what, but it was short lived. Around 1 a.m. I woke up to the intense pain again.

My roommate gave me some of her leftover pain medication from her myomectomy.

As a former drug addict, I was wary of using them, but the pain was so bad that I didn’t have time to talk myself out of them. I felt better within 20 minutes, and I held on to the opioid high as long as I could before succumbing to slumber.

The next morning I was still feeling good. I was able to work my shift and go home without any issues. I didn’t eat anything throughout the day because my appetite didn’t return. When I got home I felt ravished. I ate two bread rolls from Fred Meyer, and a handful of chips. I decided I should probably eat something healthier because of the previous day’s events and went to go make a salad.

A few bites into the salad and the pain starts up again; this time it’s going all the way from the front of my chest to my back. I have my roommates pain killers by my side and don’t wait hours before taking them this time. Instead of taking two like I did the night prior that gave me a nice buzz, I only took one and the pain did subside. However, it didn’t last a full 12 hours or so like the day before and a few hours later I was swallowing the last one.

I don’t know if you can consider this episode a relapse, but it did help my pain.

By the break of morning I was in pain again, but it wasn’t bad enough to throw me into the fetal position. Thank god, because I was now out of the only thing that stopped the pain. (This might be TMI, but another thing that is concerning me is that my urine is bright to dark orange no matter how much water I drink.)

I was scared to eat anything yesterday.

I was still in pain and I didn’t want anything to make it worse. Especially because I had to work again, and I didn’t want to make this horrible impression that 2 weeks into hiring me and I need medical leave. I drank water and tea all day and I didn’t eat anything at all. When I got home I drank some more tea, and put apple cider vinegar in it per the roommates advice. It was absolutely disgusting, but I was able to fall asleep.

I tossed and turned again last night, but at least I was able to put in a few hours without the help of a narcotic.

I’m happy I had a day off today, but I woke up so hungry. I am still scared to eat anything solid, so I got a green smoothing for brunch. It had banana, blueberries, dates, kale, spirulina, and cacao nibs. It honestly tasted like an angel made this and I was pouring heaven down my throat.

I am going to go on a sort of “liquid” diet for the next couple days and hopefully this feeling goes away. The number one thing I read was to stay away from fatty foods. I am making a blender soup from veggies and I bought green juices for the mornings for the next few days.

I’m hoping that this will help, and that I won’t have to end up going to the hospital. I just can’t afford it. During my research I read that they really don’t do much for gallbladder issues because they want to avoid surgery if possible. They prescribe you anti-inflammatory and painkillers. I want to avoid any prescriptions possible to avoid falling back into drug dependency.

I have read so many miracle stories about what a whole food plant based diet can do for someone, as long as it’s done right.

In conclusion, the gallbladder is a small little organ that stores bile and releases the bile to break down fatty foods. If it gets aggravated in any way, it hurts! Honestly, I think this was a lesson about taking care of myself. I haven’t been doing the best I can to be healthier. I got this waitressing job that is making me take 10,000-20,000 steps a shift. I’m also suffering consequences of my poor diet choices that I’ve made recently so I am going to focus on my health and diet as a priority. I want to include more green juices. Spirulina is a great natural anti inflammatory and costs significantly less than a prescription without insurance. Also, no more fatty foods.

I think these are both lessons from life. When I first moved here, my frequency was so high. Nothing that went wrong was deterring me from success. My car died, I lost my phone that didn’t have insurance, I had to move four times, and somehow I was still able to be happy. It wasn’t until after a year or so of living here that my mental illnesses or disorders started to take over. I hated the corporate job I had, I couldn’t afford the apartment I was living in even with the fancy corporate job, and my debt was piling up. So I found ANOTHER job and ANOTHER place to live (place number five is actually ending in the spring because the house owner is moving to Minneapolis. Hopefully house/van number 6 is the charm?) I was funneling down a tunnel of depression, binge eating and lethargy, as my anxiety was crippling me.

Losing my job and unexpected health issues have been what I needed to light the fire under my ass and to take my health more seriously.

I know this isn’t like my normal blogs, and is more of a story telling/personal experience blog, but I have had a little creativity rut when I lost my job and had to rebuild my stability. I wanted to share that with you because sometimes it can seem that everything is wonderful and transformative. Sometimes it’s a swift kick in the ass and overwhelming. Either way, I have to believe that there’s divine order for everything in life. Everything happens for a reason.

Thank you to anyone who made it to this point, and is here with me today. I love all of you so much and appreciate your existence. I hope all of you are enjoying good health, happiness and stability. If you’re not, I understand and wish you the best. These hard times are lessons from life, and they’re never easy.

Xoxo